Pipe Bursts: The U.S. Equivalent Versions of Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un
It seems that most people would rather shoot a game of hoops on the basketball court with Kim Jong Un or dance the Hoochie Koo with Vladimir Putin before they would opt to come home and discover that a pipe burst flooded their living room. Pipes can be temperamental creatures, just like these two dictators. Although a pipe may not ride around shirtless on a horse posing for photos and brag about wrestling bears, they do have a lot of nerve bullying the interior sanctity of your walls and invading your living space like it is a slice of Crimea. And although pipes may not get stupid haircuts and demand all other pipes to get the same dos, one bad pipe can cause others to follow suit whether they want to or not. At the end of the day, pipes are feisty attention-seeking drama queens, but they are powerful and therefore demand respect.
Respect and Obey Pipes (they are law)!
In his usual broken English, Putin was once quoted saying, “You must obey the law, always, not only when they grab you by your special place”. We can only assume this “special place” is the Russian heart, but what is certain is that homeowners must obey and respect the laws of pipes. If properly cared for and treated with dignity, pipes will keep your household government entity (aka your home) organized, clean, healthy and safe. However, if the pipes are mistreated, they will cause a major break down of other structures and invade your rooms with aggressive hissing water sprays. Here is how to follow practical pipe law:
- Make sure your pipes are modern (no cast iron or clay)
- Pipes should run in insulated areas of the home
- Pipes should be inspected every year
- Check your water for hardness
- Don’t let trees grow close to the main water line
Just as Putin has expressed he doesn’t desire a return to the Soviet Union but a more modern, powerful Russia, so to do your pipes ache to be modern implements of plumbing science and not some pathetic Cold War relics. If your home was built in the early 1900s you might have clay or cast iron pipes—materials that typically last from 75 to 100 years and therefore they would be on the brinks of failure. Have your pipes inspected by a plumbing specialist and replaced if need be. The investment will be worth it, as it will add re-sale value to your home the way a Faberge egg enriches a mantle. Also, make sure your home is properly insulated so that free flowing air wont freeze your pipes and cause them to burst in the winter the way Putin ignores the peasant class in Russia; leaving them to freeze over a bowl of cold cabbage scraps from the Kremlin’s garbage bin. You should also check your water for hardness. Hard water can cause mineral deposits to buildup in pipes resulting in a blockage and a pipe burst. Putin clogged up society with his anti-people reforms, and just look how unruly they got! Treat your pipes like valued, loved little Babushkas and not like the scum of plumbing society forgotten about and lost in a big, world of frightening uncertainties. Finally, don’t let trees grow within two meters of your pipes. Putin didn’t want the Ukrainians or the Georgians in his Mother Land, and you don’t want tree roots searching for nourishing moisture that might crack your pipes to drink up all the sweetness much the way Putin made it clear outsiders couldn’t suck at the teet of his corrupt government.
Kim Jong Un is Flushing Mad these Days!
It doesn’t take a lot to get Kim Jong Un flying off the walls flushing mad with rage, and it doesn’t take much to anger your toilet by flushing inappropriate items down the plumbing system. Kim Jong Un has done some pretty crazy things: he declared himself the sexiest man alive, forced all North Korean men to get his haircut, executed his ex-girlfriend and uncle, demanded to play Batman in a movie, and made a blood-brother bond with Dennis Rodman. When homeowners flush things down the toilet like disposable diapers, tampons, sanitary napkins, condoms, oil and grease, and paper towels they are being just as nonsensical—as these items will clog your toilet and cause a pipe burst much the way Kim Jon Un’s crazy ways cause the international community to either burst with laughter or complete horror (oh the two-sided coin of barbarism and craziness). If you experience a black water toilet overflow due to negligence, call a certified sewage cleanup pro before your family members choke on the stench of vile sludge much the way North Koreans gag at the verbal excrement that overflows from the ranting chubby-cheeked face of Kim Jong Un.
Don’t be a Plumbing Dictator, be a Pipe Vindicator!
Defend your pipes! They have the right to be healthy, happy and to function properly without interruption. If you discover a leak, signs of bulging, or a crack then call a professional water damage restoration company immediately before the situation escalates to a more complex manner requiring UN de-clogging interventions!